Yellow alerts. Orange alerts. Blue alerts. FBI warnings being issued. The danger being played up. The danger being played down.
No wonder Americans are jittery these days.
In an effort to clear up some of the confusion and assuage some of the anxiety, this column today will answer some FAQs (that’s “Frequently Asked Questions” for the non-Internet-savvy) about the current state of the WOT (War on Terror) and the whereabouts of OBL (Osama bin Laden) and his cohort of evildoers.
Q: What’s with these color-coded alerts?
A: By presidential directive, George W. Bush established a system of five levels of alerts, each with its own designated color. Green means a “low” level of alert; blue means “guarded”; yellow means “elevated”; orange means “high” and red means “severe.”
Q: How were these colors selected?
A: President Bush picked them out of his Crayola box.
Q: Who is in charge of determining what the alert level is?
A: The attorney general of the United States, John Ashcroft.
Q: Isn’t that the guy who’s afraid of calico cats and covered up the bare boobs on the big aluminum statue of Justice in Washington?
A: That’s him.
Q: The other day the country went to a yellow or “elevated” alert status. Why did that happen?
A: The FBI said it had information that OBL and his thugs were planning a “spectacular,” though unspecified, terrorist attack at some indefinite place and time. Also, a calico cat crossed John Ashcroft’s path on his way to the office that morning.
Q: Speaking of OBL, where is he?
A: Nobody knows, although recently an audiotape appeared which, according to the experts, contains the voice of OBL.
Q: Didn’t he used to be dead?
A: There was much speculation that he was buried under a pile of rubble in the caves of Tora Bora or had been reduced to a cinder by a cruise missile or had died of kidney failure, or perhaps all three, but apparently the reports of his death were greatly exaggerated.
Q: Now that it looks like OBL is alive again, is the Bush administration going to go after him?
A: At the moment the administration is focusing on a different primary objective in the WOT – specifically, getting rid of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
Q: But didn’t President Bush say a year ago that capturing OBL was “our number one priority” and that we were going to “bring him back dead or alive”?
A: Yes. But six months later, President Bush said: “I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not that important. It’s not our priority.”
Q: How do you explain that shift?
A: Presidential priorities are like Central Oregon weather – always changing and totally unpredictable. Next question.
Q: Okay, let’s go back to those color-coded alerts. What are we supposed to do when there’s a yellow alert?
A: We are supposed to be vigilant. We must be on our guard. We must keep our eyes peeled. We must be on the lookout for any suspicious activities or individuals. But we must continue to go about our daily business as usual. Especially shopping.
Q: But if we have no idea where or when the attack is coming or what form it’s going to take, what are we supposed to be on the lookout for?
A: Swarthy men with beards and turbans, calico cats and bare aluminum boobs. Also, if you spot Saddam Hussein in a local coffee shop you should immediately call 911.
Q: You bet I will! So in general terms, what should I do to keep my family and myself safe in these perilous times?
A: Look inside your closets and poke a long stick under your bed before retiring at night to flush out any lurking terrorists. Make sure your doors and windows are closed and locked at all times. Leave the front porch light on. Don’t pick up hitchhikers. Don’t walk down deserted alleys alone in the dark. Brush after every meal and floss daily. Look both ways before crossing. Never draw to an inside straight.
And above all: DON’T PANIC!
Related posts:
Gov follows feds’ lead, lowers terror-threat level
Sheriffs keep local terror alert level at yellow
Fog – not terror – scrubs Redmond flights
Here’s a TIP worth remembering: Watch out for those weird neighbors
Bend kidnap try sparks police, school alerts
No Grinch: Most jobless Oregonians will shift, not lose benefits
