On the issue of global warming, right-wingers have executed more twists, flips and spins than Kristi Yamaguchi performing the long program in the Olympics.
The original spin – remember? – was that global warming didn’t exist. It was just a silly fantasy concocted by envirowackos who wanted to wreck the economy. (Exactly why the envirowackos wanted to wreck the economy and thereby destroy their own jobs, investments and so on was never made particularly clear. But let that pass.)
After a while, as the evidence of global warming kept piling up, the right-wingers did a nifty double-toe loop and announced that, while global warming apparently was happening, there was no evidence to prove it was caused by burning fossil fuels, so we shouldn’t worry about driving our 10-miles-per-gallon SUV two blocks to the 7-11 to pick up a pack of chewing gum.
Finally, facing overwhelming proof that – just as the envirowackos had always said – global warming WAS real and it WAS caused by our fossil fuel addiction, the right-wingers pulled off a dazzling quadruple Axel.
The official line now (as articulated by the Bush administration and others) is: “Okay, global warming is real, it’s caused by human activity, but we’re not gonna do a damn thing about it – so GET USED TO IT, suckers!”
This in-your-face attitude was most recently acknowledged at an international conference on climate change held in New Delhi. The conference concluded that instead of trying to stop or reduce the warming, we’d be better off focusing our attention on ways to adapt to it.
“By building capabilities to deal with climate change, we’ll be much better off than by just paying attention to global warming,” said one Myron Ebell, an official of an anti-environment group.
Before giving in to abject despair, let’s look on the bright side of this.
Sure, we’re going to see productive farmlands and forests turn into deserts. Sure, we’re going to see oceans rise and coastal areas inundated. Sure, we’re going to see the coral reefs die and the polar ice caps melt and hundreds of species of animals and plants go extinct. Sure, we’re going to have a lot more droughts and floods and hurricanes and typhoons and tornadoes.
But instead of fixating on these minor inconveniences, let’s consider the splendid opportunities – especially for Central Oregon. For instance:
June 17, 2010: With the Capitol building entirely under water except for the gilded pioneer statue, the Oregon Legislature voted today to relocate the state capital to Redmond.
Just before being evacuated by helicopter, the lawmakers also voted to replace the beaver with the scorpion as the state animal, and the Douglas fir with the Saguaro cactus as the state tree.
Aug. 15, 2012: Mount Bachelor Inc. today announced plans to spray the entire mountain with a thick white coating of Teflon.
“In the absence of natural snow, which we unfortunately have not seen in eight years, this will give skiers and snowboarders the opportunity to enjoy the mountain year-round,” resort officials announced in a press release. “And as an extra benefit, all runs on the mountain will now be rated as triple diamonds.”
Oct. 6, 2013: Hoping to capitalize on the inundation of Baja California, the city council of Madras voted today to rename the city “Cabo San Madras.”
“Vacationers who miss the sunshine, sandy beaches and warm waters of the old Cabo can enjoy the same things at our resorts on the Gulfo de Chinooko (formerly Lake Billy Chinook),” Madras Mayor Dan Ahern told reporters.
The mayor said an ambitious renovation program, planned to coincide with the name change, would replace existing downtown buildings with quaint adobe structures and remove the paved streets and sidewalks in favor of a “natural” dust surface.
“So come on down to Cabo San Madras, everybody,” the mayor concluded. “The hospitality is warm and the cerveza is cold!”
Nov. 5, 2014: A consortium of developers today announced plans to create “a totally new concept in golf communities” in the desert between Bend and Sisters.
The new gated community of 28 homes will be built around a Jack Nicklaus-designed 18-hole golf course that will be uniquely challenging, according to the developers, Tarantula Properties LLC.
“To our knowledge, this will be the first course in America that’s all sand traps,” spokesman Randy P. Spittel said. “The tees and greens will be little patches of Astroturf about 10 feet square, with nothing between them but sand. No grass, no trees, no nothing. Just sand.”
Spittel said advance sales of lots in the new “Desert Oasis” development have been brisk, despite the fact that the site has no water supply and residents will have to bring in their own water by mule train.
“We’ve had a great deal of interest from former residents of the Dead Zone (California), who see this as their last opportunity to own a little piece of paradise,” said Spittel.
“The next idea on the drawing board,” he added, “is a floating golf course near Eugene that will be all water hazards.”
